Humour - 2

Guys, Blind dates are just plain scary & it gets a lot worse when you meet them and discover they are far from even the most meager of hopes you had for them..!! (Ushaaru Guru)..Here are a few tips on how to get rid of them, fast fastly..!! LOL..!!

• Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
  

• When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

• Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.

• Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

• Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

• Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/ hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them "What took you so long in the bathroom?"

• Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

• Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.

• Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.

• Order a bucket of lard.

• Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.

• Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.

• Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.

• Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, w with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.

• Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

• Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

• Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.

• Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

• Drool.

• Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

• Sacrifice French fries to a Pagon god.

• Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc...

• Hold a debate. Take both sides.

• Undress your date verbally.

• Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.

• After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

• Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate.

• Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments about it.

• Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.

• Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

• Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.

• Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "They need to air out."

• Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they "must eat it all or suffer the consequences."

• If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!"

• Bring twenty candles with you to the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

• Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

• Ask your date how much money they have with them.

• Refuse to speak to your date. Request that they mime the conversation instead.

• During dinner guard your plate with your fork and steak knife. Give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, reaching for it.

• Collect all of the salt shakers from tables surrounding yours. Use them to build a tower on your table.

• Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

• Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

• Repeat every third third word you say say.

• Proudly explain to your date that you were voted "Most Festerous" in your high school yearbook. Give examples of why it was appropriate.

• Read a newspaper, book or listen to a book on tape during the meal.

• Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

• Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.

• Insist that the waiter take one bite from everything served to you. Explain that you need to make sure no one has poisoned your food.

• Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.

• Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.